The Hierarchy of Thanksgiving Foods

This doesn't look awkward...not at all...

It's thanksgiving time. Time to give thanks for those things we have, the blessings in our lives and most importantly celebrate with some of the people we're most thankful for being part of our lives.

As is tradition with so many Thanksgiving celebrations with people coming from near and far to gather for the holiday, it's time to play favorites and let some know how they're important and welcome each and every day and that we're thankful others are only seen a day or two each year.

With that said, it's time for the hierarchy of Thanksgiving food. As is customary with these posts, here's your disclaimer. First off, it's my list; I'm not taking a poll of what's the best or not, unless you count Brisbane as a poll taker, and I don't doubt that you'll think there are several classics missing from here. I suggest you post in the comments if you feel I've made an error or omission. Second, I don't eat a large variety of food at Thanksgiving so this list is a bit short; no filler. Finally, this list is just the good stuff; collared greens or broccoli are not on here.

Without further adieu, here's the horn-o-plenty of Thanksgiving food items, from worst of the best to first of the best.

Stuffing

The people that made this probably call it "dressing" cuz it looks super fancy

First off, it's not "dressing" as so many people call it, it's stuffing. When I say "dressing" what do you think of? A wishbone bottle filled with Italian or Thousand Island salad dressing. Yeah, that's what I thought. So, why should 1 day a year we abandon our definition of dressing in favor of what most people call stuffing? Whatever you call it, it's killer. When I found out that stuffing is basically squishy, chicken flavored bread it was like someone had read my mind and created the ultimate side dish.

Mashed Potatoes

I don't need this...I was in Jaws, OK???

I prefer the KFC smooth and creamy style though my tastes have evolved over the years to be more accepting of lump-filled spuds. I don't know what else to say about mashed potatoes; think of your own fun mashed potato story, be it a killer food fight or an alien inspired Close Encounters mashed potato sculpture you're proud of.

Gravy

I have no comment for this...oh wait...he looks like Daniel Day Lewis...I DRINK YOUR GRAVY!

Both my grandmothers before they passed away made some killer gravy. My Mom's Mom had gravy that my Uncle Dana nicknamed "heart-stopper gravy" though that's a compliment and my Dad's Mom made a mean gravy herself. Funny story: one year in Tennessee, my Grandma (Dad's side) thought she made a bunch of gravy but way underestimated the yield from the amount of corn starch she added to the drippings and by the time the gravy boat got to my grandpa there was none left. That was about 18 years ago and to this day I don't think a single family member on my Dad's side of the family will forget that day or make anything less than about 2 gallons of gravy as a result of that egregious cooking calculation.

Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

Who rolled the one on the lower left? Keep 'em tighter next time...

When I was a kid, I went nuts for these things. I still do, though not nearly as much; I'm a biscuit man, myself, these days. How could you not love Crescent rolls? Buttery, flaky, tasty, fun to unravel? They're the perfect bread for Thanksgiving. Their ability to sop up gravy and mashed potatoes ensure that the Crescent Roll will be a thanksgiving staple at an overwhelming # of Thanksgiving tables across America forever. Thanks, Doughboy.

French Silk Pie

Most under-appreciated pie ever? I think so...

I don't do pumpkin anything and I'm not a huge fan of apple desserts. With that said and because my parents aimed to please, a Thanksgiving treat specially for me was the venerable French Silk Pie. Graham cracker crust, chocolate pudding, whipped cream and chocolate shavings and you've got yourself one hell of a pie. As with the cheese pizza that people laugh at when it's ordered at a party as the others talk about getting their supreme and meat lovers pizzas, this is always the first to go.

Fried Turkey

What's wrong with this guy's head?

Oh man, you have no idea how awesome this is. Fried turkey sounds crazy redneck, dangerous and unhealthy as all get out, but here's the thing: you're totally right! Actually, done properly, fried turkey is just as healthy as a regular oven cooked bird but way tastier and juicier with plenty of ultra-crispy skin to go 'round. If I wasn't somewhat scared of how copious amounts of tryptophan streaming through my gravy filled veins may affect my ability to breathe I'd totally try to eat my weight in fried turkey.

My Chex Mix

Photos of my recipe are forbidden from being posted online

I'm not talking about pre-made crap in a bag or your recipe or some award winning recipe, I'm talking about MY recipe. If you've ever had my recipe of Chex Mix, you're no doubt salivating right now as the thought of that butter soaked cereal with the right proportion of seasoning, pretzels and nuts looks like Eden sitting on the counter in either a grease-spotted paper bag or welcoming bowl the size of a bird bath. Here's the thing with my Chex Mix: it's all about the old skool. Before the various spice makers and carbohydrate hawkers decided to get their slice of the pie through convenient hints and product placement, there was a simple recipe:
 - Chex (rice, wheat and corn)
 - Pretzels
 - Assorted nuts
 - Lawry's Seasoning Salt
 - Worcestershire sauce
 - Butter

That's it. No onion powder, no garlic powder, no bagel chips, no this no that. My recipe celebrates the original with a couple little changes incorporated over the years to perfect the ultimate Chex Mix recipe, though it is largely the original recipe from when somebody figured out that butter, seasoning salt and Worcestershire sauce drizzled over cereal and pretzels tasted orgasmic when baked for an hour.

All things said, this dish more than ANYTHING in my life reminds me of the holidays and of home. Since about 10 years old, there has never been a year of my life where I've not made this at least once from Thanksgiving to Christmas and I never intend on breaking that streak so long as I'm alive. Sometimes I make it for friends and family, sometimes I ship it to distant family as they clamor for my cereal snack heroin; a long-distance token of my thanks. There's even been a couple years that I've had to make it just for myself as I sat back and gave thanks-- for the people, places, experiences and things in my life that I can never, ever live without-- alone and nostalgic for Thanksgivings gone by.

To all friends, and family reading this--both here on this Earth or wherever you land after you've left us-- I'm extremely blessed and thankful for you, your love and inspiration, always.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Hierarchy of Halloween Candy

In honor of Katie's favorite holiday, Halloween, we're gonna bring back the always popular hierarchy posts. This time, we're gonna tackle Halloween candies.

Now, legal has told me that we need to put a couple disclaimers out there before we start. First, this list is comprised of Halloween-specific candies, not just general candies that you can buy year-round in "normal" sized portions (though most are available in normal sized portions). I love Whatchamacallit's, but they're not available in bite-size portions to hand out to the trick-o-treaters so they're gone. Oh and along those lines, this list includes only the GOOD stuff; toothbrushes, popcorn balls, apples and stuff the cutesy parents would hand out that would subsequently end up in their shrubs is not included on this list. Second, the list could go on for days but I'm going to focus my efforts on candies that were popular when I/we were kids. I don't care about what new stuff they've come out with these days and I doubt you do, either, unless there happens to be a strong reader-base in the 4-15 demographic.

OK, here we go in ascending order leading up to the mother of all Halloween candies.


10. Sixlets

Suck it, M&M's!

I don't know what it is about these weird little M&M knock-off's, but they work. They're just like M&M's...but round...and the different colors taste different. Yeah, I know; it's pretty trippy, man. The best part about Sixlets was the portability and instant gratification they afforded you. Grab that little package with the Sixlets stacked up like different colored chocolate beads, place your teeth between the first and second bead, then pull. The first Sixlet was now in your mouth and squeezing the wrapper from the bottom deposited the rest of the Sixlets in your waiting mouth and you were on to the next candy. No tearing off the corner of the wrapper, no greasy cup to remove before you could enjoy your hard earned candy (c'mon: it was hard work walking a mile and hauling around 5lbs of high fructose corn syrup presented in myriad ways). In that respect, due to the deliciousness and ease of transport and consumption, I think you have call sixlets the crack of the candy world.

9. Tootsie _______

All the Tootsie you could ever ask for...

Where would Tootsie _______ be without Halloween? How many times do you go to the store to buy this stuff when it's not October? Anyway...I can't just limit this to a single Tootsie product. Pops, Midgees, the flavored rolls and every single size log they can make a Tootsie Roll in is included here. I guess Pops are the most desired but for a quick fix, the smallest or 2nd smallest Tootsie Roll is perfect. I'd like to propose an idea to the Tootsie folks. The "inside out" thing is really popular now, like the Reese's where the peanut butter is on the outside...so, why not come up with an inside-out Tootsie Pop where it's a sucker on the inside, wrapped in a Tootsie Roll? Brilliant! Oh and a quick rant. Who the hell came up with the chocolate Tootsie Pop? That's like having a caramel with a delicious caramel filling and trying to sneak it in a box of other delicious caramels with various creamy fillings. It just doesn't work and if you think that we're OK with it because the chocolate lollipop on the outside is a different taste and consistency than the Tootsie Roll on the inside, you underestimated our intelligence and discerning tastes. Ditch the chocolate in favor of more orange or try some new flavor...how about a refreshing mint? Another great idea. You're welcome, Tootsie Roll company.

8. Lemonheads/Cherry-Clan

Not PC | The real lemon juice explains a lot...

These are a killer. Let them get soft so you can sort of peel that ultra-sour shell off and feel your saliva glands pucker up and your face wince in brief pain as the cherry or lemon (pick your poison) smacks you, then quickly disappears and it's time for another one. I loved getting these as a kid and they were pretty rare; I'd maybe come back with 4 or 5 of these in the entire pillowcase. Their scarcity and over-powering pucker power ensures a place on this list and makes me want to go punish my saliva glads ASAP with a Cherry Clan bomb.

7. Starburst

This would take me an hour to open...

I'm more of a chocolate/savory kid of candy dude, but there's something about Starburst that gets me every time. Do I care which flavor I eat? Nope, though I think the strawberry and orange flavors are king; lemon is easily traded. The biggest gripe with Starbust is the packaging. You gotta have the dexterity of a surgeon to open that wrapper and when you've just dumped a pillowcase full of candy on the floor, who has time to undo candy origami?

6. Kit Kat

Don't gimme a break, just gimme the whole damn thing...

This always seemed like the Rolls Royce of candy. It's impeccably clean, crisp, the wrapper seems like a tailored suit made for the 2 sticks of deliciousness inside; perfect. This was typically one of my most saught after candy commodities. I would be positioning my portfolio to offload copious quantities of Smarties, Dum Dum's and candy corn (the junk bonds) for just as many Kit Kat's as I could get. Here's a tip for y'all: let these sit out for a bit so the chocolate gets a little melty, leaving the tips of your fingers covered in delicious Hershey's chocolate. Or, try them in ice cream...it's a winning combination.

5. Dots

"A Fat Free Candy"

I don't know what it is with Dots that to this day makes me crave them so. Is it their super soft consistency? The yummy and varied flavors of those little humps of fruity goodness? I don't know. All I know is that when the door opened and the big bowl of candy appeared, if that little yellow box was in there, I was all over it. It was a nice amount of candy, too I wish Crows--the licorice flavored version of Dots--were made in Halloween-sized individual portions, but alas. It's probably a good thing; wouldn't want the world to know how much I love the universally loathed black licorice. It's not like this admission is being posted somewhere where everyone in the world (OK, maybe not China) can read it, right? Glad that didn't leak out...

4. 100 Grand

Wouldn't the snack size be 50 Grand?

Let's talk candy economics. If you were to buy a 100 Grand at the store it would be 2 pieces of caramelly, crispy goodness dipped in chocolate. At Halloween, if you're digging through the candy bowl of some housewife dressed up in her sorta-slutty witch costume--her breath reeking of vodka martini as you hear the other adults laughing hysterically at another guest's costume--and you come across 100 Grands, if you grab 2 of the snack-sized bars (accepted Halloween protocol) you now have an entire 100 Grand candy bar. Other kids will tell you that you need to get moving, and FAST, to the Littleton's place 3 blocks down because they're handing out whole Snickers bars but those kids are idiots. Why try and get an entire Snickers bar--which will undoubtedly run out before the Great Pumpkin rises at the end of the Charlie Brown DVD they started as the sun started to set--when the neighborhood is ripe for the picking with 100 Grands, Mounds, Almond Joy and other candies that are bascailly the full-sized counterpart split in two? People get tunnel vision when you tell them about the possibility of grabbing the big prize and they fail to realize the economics behind being able to grab 2 of the smaller prize and net the same result. These are the same kids that grow up and want to throw Hail Mary TD passes instead of the far more effective and efficient 7-yard passing routes. The point of all this is...100 Grands rule.

3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

I'll take the one on the left...

Man, these are unbelievable. The economics discussion from 100 Grand applies here, too, but never-mind that: did I mention these are F'n good!? Remember the commercials where they'd show all the different ways to eat a Reese's PBC and the one around Halloween showed a vampire had poked perfect little holes in the cup and sucked out the peanut butter? How clever. If they showed how I eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, it'd show me opening it, peeling off that greasy brown cup/wrapper and stuffing the whole thing in my mouth and then rummaging through my candy stash looking for another one.

2. Snickers

Pairs well with Merlot...

Snickers are like wine of the candy world. Their complexity, depth of flavor, variety of textures could make anyone ponder a Snickers bar, bite by bite as the airy nougat gives way to the ribbony, sickly sweet caramel on the tongue with warm notes of roasted nuts lingering over a strong milk chocolate finish. As kids, all you know is that Snickers taste awesome and their stock is very valuable. Next to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, these are the blue chips of the candy stock market; bellwethers that constantly beat earnings, impress all who covet their strength as the king of candies. It's tough not to choose these as the top of the heap...

1. Nerds

If I were Uncle Scrooge, I'd swim in Nerds...

You have to respect Nerds' bravado. With so many other candies, their composition leads you to believe that this candy is maybe in some way sort of healthy (Snickers, Baby Ruth, etc, with their peanuts and "nougat" which in no way sounds like processed sugar) or their appearance masks the fact that they are nothing but straight sugar (Skittles are perfectly shaped little drops of goodness...Jujyfruits look like corn, bundt-pans and a Battleship destroyer). But not Nerds...no sir. Nerds don't hide the fact in any way that they are just giant sugar crystals dipped in some unnatural color that's been flavored so strongly that you'll down them with extreme speed and in copious quantities. If they made a NERD that was, say, a 2" orb you'd never give it a chance; only fatties would eat a giant piece of candy like that. But, make them the size of BB's and you're likely to eat the equivalent of a 3" orb and still want more. It's for all these reasons that Nerds stand atop our hierarchy of Halloween candy.

Honorable Mention

Pixie Stix

Dangerous...very dangerous...

These weren't seen all that often during Halloween and I think we can all agree that was a travesty. These are quite possibly the candy that defined my generation. Intensely effective, portable, small enough to get your fix without looking like an addict, flavorful...I could go on forever. If you didn't tilt your head back and shotgun one of these bad boys, you were a total wuss.

Hierarchy of cereals part 3

We've saved the best for last.

This is the bacon of cereal; the ultimate breakfast fare. My love affair with Cap'n Crunch dates back probably 20 years and each bowl I have is better than the last. Over the years I have consumed every iteration of Cap'n Crunch, procured a recipe for chicken fingers with CC breading (sublime), and most recently I tried the CC milkshake from Carl's Jr.; a stellar concoction with real Cap'n Crunch bits suspended in dairy goodness! Not sure if you Hardee's folks will get that in your markets, but if you do you must give it a shot.

I correct people often on the spelling and pronunciation of CC; notice that it is Cap'n and not Captain...a common misconception. I'm also quick to point out that CC is part of a balanced breakfast and not just some sugary cereal sure to have your 5 year-old bouncing off the walls for 8 hours straight. I guess the fruit and piece of toast and sausage comprising the remaining parts of a balanced breakfast somehow counteract that, though I'm no nutritionist so what do I know.

CC is sublime for many reasons, most notably its sweet taste and that magic texture that will annihilate the roof of the mouth of an unsuspecting consumer. Here's a tip: if you let the CC sit for a few minutes, stand back; cereal Nirvana. The last bowl of CC is a treat to cherish. That yellow CC dust mixes in with the milk and makes this sweet nectar that is irresistible. If you really want to go crazy, pulverize a bunch of CC and mix it with some milk hang on.

If it's been a while since you ate Cap'n Crunch and worry that it has changed over the years, worry not. Like a comfy college sweater, CC is always like you remember it: comforting and unchanged by the cruel hands of time and innovation.

Learn all about the greatest breakfast cereal ever, right here.

Honorable Mention Cereals that didn't make the list, this time...
Corn bran
C3PO's
Golden Grahams
Cocoa Puffs
Cracklin Oat Bran

Hierarchy of cereals part 2

Picking up where we left off in the last hierarchy of cereal post, this is the continuation of a very prestigious list. Loaded with sugar, and taste, these next cereals will find themselves in my shopping basket more often that not. Enjoy the upper ranks of the breakfast cereal hierarchy as we unveil cereals #2 - 5.


#2: Lucky Charms
Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious! What a great jingle and what an amazing cereal. Combine the frosted oats of Alpha-Bits with astronaut-like freeze-dried marshmallows and you have a killer breakfast combo that I'll eat any day. Much like my beef with Trix, I think General Mills should have left this cereal the way it was and not fancy it up with new charms and wacky colors. I, myself, joined when purple horseshoes entered the mix and any new charms added thereafter are automatically lame. I'll still devour them, though.

#3: Mini-wheats
I consider this a healthy cereal, even though it's 50% sugar. Only 1 side is covered with a hard, white sugar glaze and only 50% sugary cereal seems like enough to earn the "healthy" moniker. I even got Mom to allow this cereal for regular consumption as a kid, and that was a tough feat. The bite-size variety is my favorite but I'll take the original size, too. The wheat biscuits soak up milk and when you bite into them...milky explosion, coupled with enough sugar to make you want more...and more...and more. Near the end of the bowl, it becomes a search and rescue mission as these Titanics of wheat and sugar sink like a rock. Oh, and how could you not love the commercials?? Pure genius. This is a solid cereal contender and one you'll find in my pantry more often that not.

#4: Golden Crisp
NOT Smacks, people; there's a difference. This is an exotic cereal if ever there was one. The appearance. The flavor. That weird foil-lined bag in the box. The mysterious mascot Sugar Bear with his cool, hip stylings and catchy jingle. Yes, this ons one cereal you almost have to eat, just to see what the hype is all about




#5: Frosted Flakes
They're grrreat! (because they're Corn Flakes encased in sugar). This cereal is almost too sweet for me, but I always find a way to push through to the end and pour another bowl. (In the name of science, people, in the name of science) Hell, these save you the time, effort and expense of adding sugar to your Corn Flakes so that right there should be worth something. In Spanish-speaking countries, they're called "Zucaritas" and are muuuuuy bueno! and "Flutie Flakes" are a private-labeled Frosted Flake for everyone's favorite hail Mary tosser. [Sidenote: how gracefully does Tony the Tiger age? For being 56 years old, that dude looks grrreat! I'm sure he's had some work done, but still...I'd kill to look like that in 26 years.]

One post to go. What cereal is the über-cereal? Stay tuned for the final post...

Hierarchy of cereals, part 1

I enjoyed my hierarchy of ice post last week and I'm making the executive decision to make this a regular feature of this blog. So, let's tackle a product that is near and dear to my heart: cereal.

I LOVE cereal. I currently have 12 boxes of cereal in my pantry and seem to collect them like baseball cards. From sweet and sugary cereals that are pumped up with vitamins and minerals (cuz they naturally contain no nutrition, whatsoever) to the uber-healthy cereals I thought were punishment as a kid and now cherish, is there anything better than a good bowl of cereal with ice cold milk? I think not.

For your viewing pleasure, here's a list of cereals from Wikipedia that appears to include all the cereals that have ever been sold in supermarkets, sans the generic knock-off brands from Safeway, Vons, etc. That's a lot of cereal, Uncle Al!!

I have to limit this list to 10, otherwise I could go on forever. Trust me. Part 1 will deal with cereals 10 - 6, part 2 with cereals 5 - 2 and the final post will reveal the ultimate cereal. If you know my breakfast trends, there should be no surprise.

So, without any further rambling, here we go...

#10: Grape Nuts
This is probably an unpopular pick with the masses. It's healthy, low in flavor and looks like rocks and tastes like rocks. Ah, but I can fix that! I put 2 packets of Splenda in the bowl and life is good, trust me. Why they call it "Grape Nuts" I'll never know as there are neither grapes, nor nuts found on the ingredient list. If you're into yogurt and cereal, this might be a good choice but probably not the best choice as you might wonder why there are rocks in your yogurt. On second thought, scratch the Grape nuts and yogurt.



#9: Life
Mikey likes it! Guess what? So does Bryan! Sweet, healthy (sort of) and delicious. The cinnamon variety isn't my bag, but to each their own. You have to eat this one quickly as the little shapes soak up milk quickly and become rather soggy before you know it. Once they're too soggy, I'm out; Bryan don't play that. I'm a big fan of the large crystals of sugar trapped inside the little Life squares. I'm eager to break those sweet carbohydrates out of their woven whole grain oat prisons, any time!



#8: C.W Post
This cereal is probably unknown to anyone younger than myself or anyone that isn't/wasn't into granola. This now defunct cereal (discontinued in 1994) was probably pulled from shelves due to being 100% unhealthy, but damn was it good. The milk would get this weird granola/oil slick on top of it and tasted incredible; sweet as honey. There are other imitators out there that are good, but nothing will beat C.W. Post, God rest it's soul.

#7: Corn Pops
A hit or miss cereal. Either you love this cereal, or you're giving your bowl to me because you can't stand it. Scooping up a huge mouthful of this sweet corn treat and jamming it into your mouth and feeling the slimy, sugary puffs of corn crush between your teeth is a real joy. This is also a fairly resilient cereal and can be left unattended longer than other cereals whose shape is not sealed, unlike each little Corn Pop. As a kid, this was the cereal my mom would buy me as a treat after eating countless boxes of Chex or other healthy cereals for weeks on end. Corn Pops will always have a place in my pantry.



#6: Trix
Trix are the only fruity cereal you'll see in this hierarchy, and for good reason: fruit cereals are weird...except Trix...which is only sort of weird. Trix embodies all the positive attributes of a quality, fruity cereal. Sweet fruit flavor, corn-based, great mascot and just the right amount of man-made pigment to tint your milk a lovely bluish hue. I have a beef with Trix, though. I like the cereal the way it used to be, without all the messed up shapes and flavors. Keep it simple, General Mills. I prefer the little fruity orbs over the gross representations of the various fruits, for consistent crunching in the mouth and easy identification. Cereal designers take note: grapes do not look like that and what the hell is that flower looking thing?

Next post: #'s 5 - 2...

The hierarchy of ice cubes

Eating lunch at TK Burger today, I was met with a welcome surprise: rabbit pellet ice. Not sure what I'm talking about? Check out the rad Sonic cherry-limeade above; THAT is ice, my friends. This got me thinking about the different ice varieties out there...let's generate a hierarchy of the ice cubes, so you can understand what ice options are out there and where they rank in the ice cube food chain. FYI, I have assigned names to each variety of ice and referring to these forms of ice in a public setting may be met with confused looks, or excitement as someone appreciates that you know your ice!


At the top of the heap has to be the "rabbit pellet" ice, named for it's close resemblance to rabbit pellets; maybe Cap'n Crunch, I don't know. This ice provides ample surface area and flat out looks cool. The sound it makes landing in your cup is soft, inviting. It's a joy to eat due to it's rather soft consistency, crunchable from the first sip to the last briquette clinging to the bottom of your cup. It might bunch up, but a gentle shake and the network of ice cubes breaks up instantly. Coupled with a high foam-content soda such as root beer and you have soft drink nirvana. Yes, this ice cube is bacon of the ice cube world: none can challenge its greatness.

Next up comes the "flat/crunchy" ice as I like to call it. This ice is frozen in sheets and then dropped into the bin, resulting in an ice that is small and flat with very little height. Easy to crunch, abundant surface area for maximum cooling efficiency, this is a high quality ice; still second place to rabbit pellets, though. Rapid melting becomes an issue with this ice due to it's smaller volume but it, too, is a welcome sight coming out of an ice machine.




A cousin to "rabbit pellet" and "flat" ices described above is the rarely seen "high oxygen content flat ice" (photo unavailable...too rare a beast). Slightly thicker, but loaded with trapped air bubbles, this ice is like a flat version of rabbit pellet ice, but in flat ice form. Quite the frozen treat, to be sure.

"LEGO" ice. This is probably tied with speed bump ice as the fast food ice of choice. The cubes sometimes come out in these groups of 3 or 4 and resemble LEGO bricks or an egg carton. This is a solid all-around ice. There is ample surface area for keeping your drink cold, crunching the ice isn't too difficult and it doesn't bunch up that often. It's popular for a reason, folks.






"Froot Loop" ice. This ice could be strung on a rope or necklace (and may be in the Arctic) due to it's rather large center opening. This ice is very common at fairs, concession stands, banquets and such. Sporting events seem to find this ice a winner, as well. Several grocery stores sell bags of froot loop ice, too, so it's certainly no johnny-come-lately cube. Decent surface area, but too thick. Crunching this ice is dangerous and not recommended. This ice lumps together and builds strong bonds, not easily broken with a simple shake of your glass. Use caution with this ice.


"Speed Bump" ice, named for its close resemblance to the "cool" speed bumps you can still haul-ass over in parking lots and in neighborhoods, not those annoying Mt. Fuji wannabe speed bumps. This is probably the most popular ice cube found in restaurants. The cubes are wide squares with little height and an arced dome shape. They melt slowly and provide adequate surface area; perfect for restaurants looking for customer satisfaction and maintenance due to its popularity. There is much wasted cooling energy stored inside these cubes that could be better utilized if the cubes were smaller. Crunching this ice is ill-advised until the cubes have melted somewhat and are thinner; more transparent.

Lastly, "homemade" ice. If there was a poster child to keep ice cubes in school to get an education and stay off drugs, it would be this. The ice comes from your freezer ice bin all white and stuck together and it tastes gross. Look at the photo: does that look appealing in any way, whatsoever? This is an absolute last option ice, even though it's convenient and free. The best things in life are free...unless those "things" are ice cubes.

"Ice machine" ice is lumped into the same category. It's those big crescent-shaped cubes that your ice machine automatically makes for you, as if it knows you love the ice it makes and wants to please you by making in without any prodding. I've got news for you, ice machine: your ice sucks...start making rabbit pellet ice and you're my new best friend.