Reality TV...I'm too smart for this sh*t

He's over reality television, too...

I've had it with reality television. It's been a long time coming and I'm just over it. Watching Cake Boss on TLC Sunday night was the last straw. Don't get me wrong, it's an entertaining show but trying to pass things off as "real" is insulting. The guys dropped a cake down the stairs in the bakery with a camera conveniently located at the bottom of the stairs, a bakery full of completely fake "oh my god!" responses and worse acting than anything Megan Fox appears in, though obviously far less sexy. The gang re-made the cake in an hour and a half (supposedly) which showed off their talents, because they truly ARE immensely talented, though whether they did all this 2 hours before the cake was to be delivered is suspect. I knew it was fake the second it happened and was validated later in the same show when the gang rolled a 400lb cake onto a freight elevator that was located right behind the stairs that were the scene of the crime. Why was the first cake not placed in the freight elevator? Can we just go ahead and agree that EVERY cake they decorate is placed in this freight elevator? C'mon, now...

I guess I'm just too smart and cynical to be the target audience for reality television and I'm OK with that. I have too many other things to do with my time that are far more important than needing to know who the Bachelor picks or if they're gonna hit that deadline in the cake shop. I guess if you go into these shows knowing that they are not "reality" as you and I know it and write them off as pure entertainment and mindless fun, they're watchable. But, the second you start to believe that just because there's not a list of cast members at the end of the show and the people in front of you are using their real names so there's no way they're not actors, you're screwed. You don't need to have a part in a script to dish out a whole lotta acting and bullsh*t, just look at politicians.


It seemed so real...

True story. The first year I moved to SoCal I was at a bar in downtown Santa Monica and late at night a film crew showed up; they were taping elimiDATE, a pretty entertaining dating show that I watched from time to time, so I was excited to see how it played out in person. The couple started dancing with 2 cameras on them filming the drunken, steamy love fest on the dance floor when the producer wrote on a yellow legal pad in thick, bold writing from the sharpie marker "GRAB HER ASS" and held it below the camera, out of sight of the other camera (post would have cleaned that up if it got screwed up). The dude followed his cue and grabbed the girl's ass as the other girl vying for his "love" stood by drinking her vodka/Redbull, waiting for her opportunity to take cues from a legal pad. After hoochie #1 was eliminated and hoochie #2 was crowed the "winner" (of an STD, permanent Drakkar Noir scent and nary a chance of a call from mega-douche if I had to guess) the crew filmed the loser walking across the street. When she got to the other side, the producer yelled at her to come back and try it again, but this time a bit slower with her head down. She obliged and before starting she offered some suggestions, which the producer seemed to like. Once on the other side, she got the OK from the producers, came back, lit up her cigarette and chatted with the producer before going back into the club. 100% scripted. I cannot confirm/deny that hoochie #2 was selected by the producers to be the winner (opposed to the douche contestant) as it happened in the VIP area of the club, though I think we know the answer to that one...

This got me thinking: blog post. Let's divide the reality shows into a few different categories and we'll grade each category of reality TV.

Reality competitions: B+

Great show, very entertaining, not douchy...

Examples: Top Chef, Survivor, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Stars

I don't really have a problem with these shows; my opinion of each show is unique and not a blanket statement like most of the the categories that follow. Shows where there is a cash prize or some title to be earned by successfully navigating your way through the rounds with the jokers, the rounds with the people that make for good TV and finally the genuine competition. They may be heavily produced but you get a genuine sense that what's happening is "real" and not scripted, though I'm hesitant to give them an A as there always seems to be some questionable judging and certain desperate shows (*cough*, American Idol) obviously choose contestants that have no right being there, but will make for good TV.

"Follow along at home or work" shows: D+ (F- for Jon and Kate)

Just do the tattoos, save the drama for the actors...

Examples: Ace of Cakes, Cake Boss, anything that involves cakes, Miami Ink, Choppers Inc., Run's House, Jon and Kate Plus 8

Let me first say this: all these people are hugely talented. Their skills are top notch and I've no qualms about that, whatsoever. What I do have a problem with is the selling out of their name for the sake of a reality show to make some coin. They come off looking like dopes; unprofessional and desperate which ultimately cheapens their name, which is fine because they're probably getting paid more an episode than most of us will make in 6+ months. The sad thing is that TV executives know that there's not really anything exciting about what these people do so they simply use the relative fame/notoriety of these people to deliver their drama/tension agenda to the unsuspecting viewing audience, cuz that's what sells ads. The follow along with people at home stuff is even more horrible; Jon and Kate Plus 8 takes the crown for the worst. Oh and they make more an episode than most of us will make in a year. How's that for fairness?

Romance shows: D

"That's so funny! We totally slept with you on national TV! Now, who do we talk to about getting our own shows?"

Examples: The Bachelor, any ____ of Love show on VH1

Who goes on TV in front of the world to try and find love? People with acting/modeling aspirations, that's who. They try to make it seem like it's real but they are so over-produced that nothing seems genuine. The entire show is scripted from start to finish, no matter how much you think it's not. Ever wonder how they've got 3 different camera angles with no obstructions on every single person in the house at times when something exciting is happening? Oh and when the people say they really fell in love with the star of the show and the waterworks start flowing, you're smarter than that: they fell in love with the thought of the show catapulting their acting/modeling career and now that they're off the show, they're not getting as much airtime as their fellow competitors. Getting axed a couple from the end is the worst cuz you know your chances of getting a spin-off show are all but gone unless you were bat-shit crazy (which probably would have gotten you axed very early on and simply been a highlight on The Soup).

Shows that swear they are real: F

This is an entire episode of the Hills...and they get paid for this...

Examples: The Hills, Laguna Beach, Real Housewives of _____

These are the worst. At least with the VH1 shows they sort of make fun of themselves in the process. The fact that these people want us to believe that what's happening is organic, unscripted and genuine is horrible. The most frightening thing about these shows is how many shows they spawn. Has anyone on The Hills not grabbed their own TV deal? How many different cities/areas do we need Housewives shows for so that everyone can realize what horrible people they are? We get it: there are some painfully horrible people and actors out there but there's no reason we need to see them every week and see as much of them as your programming will allow. There's a simple way to make these shows go away: just stop paying them any attention...