Hierarchy of cereals part 3

We've saved the best for last.

This is the bacon of cereal; the ultimate breakfast fare. My love affair with Cap'n Crunch dates back probably 20 years and each bowl I have is better than the last. Over the years I have consumed every iteration of Cap'n Crunch, procured a recipe for chicken fingers with CC breading (sublime), and most recently I tried the CC milkshake from Carl's Jr.; a stellar concoction with real Cap'n Crunch bits suspended in dairy goodness! Not sure if you Hardee's folks will get that in your markets, but if you do you must give it a shot.

I correct people often on the spelling and pronunciation of CC; notice that it is Cap'n and not Captain...a common misconception. I'm also quick to point out that CC is part of a balanced breakfast and not just some sugary cereal sure to have your 5 year-old bouncing off the walls for 8 hours straight. I guess the fruit and piece of toast and sausage comprising the remaining parts of a balanced breakfast somehow counteract that, though I'm no nutritionist so what do I know.

CC is sublime for many reasons, most notably its sweet taste and that magic texture that will annihilate the roof of the mouth of an unsuspecting consumer. Here's a tip: if you let the CC sit for a few minutes, stand back; cereal Nirvana. The last bowl of CC is a treat to cherish. That yellow CC dust mixes in with the milk and makes this sweet nectar that is irresistible. If you really want to go crazy, pulverize a bunch of CC and mix it with some milk hang on.

If it's been a while since you ate Cap'n Crunch and worry that it has changed over the years, worry not. Like a comfy college sweater, CC is always like you remember it: comforting and unchanged by the cruel hands of time and innovation.

Learn all about the greatest breakfast cereal ever, right here.

Honorable Mention Cereals that didn't make the list, this time...
Corn bran
C3PO's
Golden Grahams
Cocoa Puffs
Cracklin Oat Bran

Hierarchy of cereals part 2

Picking up where we left off in the last hierarchy of cereal post, this is the continuation of a very prestigious list. Loaded with sugar, and taste, these next cereals will find themselves in my shopping basket more often that not. Enjoy the upper ranks of the breakfast cereal hierarchy as we unveil cereals #2 - 5.


#2: Lucky Charms
Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious! What a great jingle and what an amazing cereal. Combine the frosted oats of Alpha-Bits with astronaut-like freeze-dried marshmallows and you have a killer breakfast combo that I'll eat any day. Much like my beef with Trix, I think General Mills should have left this cereal the way it was and not fancy it up with new charms and wacky colors. I, myself, joined when purple horseshoes entered the mix and any new charms added thereafter are automatically lame. I'll still devour them, though.

#3: Mini-wheats
I consider this a healthy cereal, even though it's 50% sugar. Only 1 side is covered with a hard, white sugar glaze and only 50% sugary cereal seems like enough to earn the "healthy" moniker. I even got Mom to allow this cereal for regular consumption as a kid, and that was a tough feat. The bite-size variety is my favorite but I'll take the original size, too. The wheat biscuits soak up milk and when you bite into them...milky explosion, coupled with enough sugar to make you want more...and more...and more. Near the end of the bowl, it becomes a search and rescue mission as these Titanics of wheat and sugar sink like a rock. Oh, and how could you not love the commercials?? Pure genius. This is a solid cereal contender and one you'll find in my pantry more often that not.

#4: Golden Crisp
NOT Smacks, people; there's a difference. This is an exotic cereal if ever there was one. The appearance. The flavor. That weird foil-lined bag in the box. The mysterious mascot Sugar Bear with his cool, hip stylings and catchy jingle. Yes, this ons one cereal you almost have to eat, just to see what the hype is all about




#5: Frosted Flakes
They're grrreat! (because they're Corn Flakes encased in sugar). This cereal is almost too sweet for me, but I always find a way to push through to the end and pour another bowl. (In the name of science, people, in the name of science) Hell, these save you the time, effort and expense of adding sugar to your Corn Flakes so that right there should be worth something. In Spanish-speaking countries, they're called "Zucaritas" and are muuuuuy bueno! and "Flutie Flakes" are a private-labeled Frosted Flake for everyone's favorite hail Mary tosser. [Sidenote: how gracefully does Tony the Tiger age? For being 56 years old, that dude looks grrreat! I'm sure he's had some work done, but still...I'd kill to look like that in 26 years.]

One post to go. What cereal is the über-cereal? Stay tuned for the final post...

Hierarchy of cereals, part 1

I enjoyed my hierarchy of ice post last week and I'm making the executive decision to make this a regular feature of this blog. So, let's tackle a product that is near and dear to my heart: cereal.

I LOVE cereal. I currently have 12 boxes of cereal in my pantry and seem to collect them like baseball cards. From sweet and sugary cereals that are pumped up with vitamins and minerals (cuz they naturally contain no nutrition, whatsoever) to the uber-healthy cereals I thought were punishment as a kid and now cherish, is there anything better than a good bowl of cereal with ice cold milk? I think not.

For your viewing pleasure, here's a list of cereals from Wikipedia that appears to include all the cereals that have ever been sold in supermarkets, sans the generic knock-off brands from Safeway, Vons, etc. That's a lot of cereal, Uncle Al!!

I have to limit this list to 10, otherwise I could go on forever. Trust me. Part 1 will deal with cereals 10 - 6, part 2 with cereals 5 - 2 and the final post will reveal the ultimate cereal. If you know my breakfast trends, there should be no surprise.

So, without any further rambling, here we go...

#10: Grape Nuts
This is probably an unpopular pick with the masses. It's healthy, low in flavor and looks like rocks and tastes like rocks. Ah, but I can fix that! I put 2 packets of Splenda in the bowl and life is good, trust me. Why they call it "Grape Nuts" I'll never know as there are neither grapes, nor nuts found on the ingredient list. If you're into yogurt and cereal, this might be a good choice but probably not the best choice as you might wonder why there are rocks in your yogurt. On second thought, scratch the Grape nuts and yogurt.



#9: Life
Mikey likes it! Guess what? So does Bryan! Sweet, healthy (sort of) and delicious. The cinnamon variety isn't my bag, but to each their own. You have to eat this one quickly as the little shapes soak up milk quickly and become rather soggy before you know it. Once they're too soggy, I'm out; Bryan don't play that. I'm a big fan of the large crystals of sugar trapped inside the little Life squares. I'm eager to break those sweet carbohydrates out of their woven whole grain oat prisons, any time!



#8: C.W Post
This cereal is probably unknown to anyone younger than myself or anyone that isn't/wasn't into granola. This now defunct cereal (discontinued in 1994) was probably pulled from shelves due to being 100% unhealthy, but damn was it good. The milk would get this weird granola/oil slick on top of it and tasted incredible; sweet as honey. There are other imitators out there that are good, but nothing will beat C.W. Post, God rest it's soul.

#7: Corn Pops
A hit or miss cereal. Either you love this cereal, or you're giving your bowl to me because you can't stand it. Scooping up a huge mouthful of this sweet corn treat and jamming it into your mouth and feeling the slimy, sugary puffs of corn crush between your teeth is a real joy. This is also a fairly resilient cereal and can be left unattended longer than other cereals whose shape is not sealed, unlike each little Corn Pop. As a kid, this was the cereal my mom would buy me as a treat after eating countless boxes of Chex or other healthy cereals for weeks on end. Corn Pops will always have a place in my pantry.



#6: Trix
Trix are the only fruity cereal you'll see in this hierarchy, and for good reason: fruit cereals are weird...except Trix...which is only sort of weird. Trix embodies all the positive attributes of a quality, fruity cereal. Sweet fruit flavor, corn-based, great mascot and just the right amount of man-made pigment to tint your milk a lovely bluish hue. I have a beef with Trix, though. I like the cereal the way it used to be, without all the messed up shapes and flavors. Keep it simple, General Mills. I prefer the little fruity orbs over the gross representations of the various fruits, for consistent crunching in the mouth and easy identification. Cereal designers take note: grapes do not look like that and what the hell is that flower looking thing?

Next post: #'s 5 - 2...